Six Tips for Surviving an Alien Abduction
[Flash Fiction] A listicle shares tips for dealing with scary times.
Getting abducted by aliens is a real bummer. These days, it’s easy to lose hope picturing yourself whisked into orbit, confronting your inevitable doom strapped to a dissection table. Encounters with extraterrestrial life can be terrifying, but with a level head and these tips, you can rest easy when you see the lights in the sky coming for you.
Tip 1: Turn in Early. According to government statistics, most alien abductions occur at night. You can seriously reduce your chances of alien encounters just by remaining in your domicile between the hours of 8 PM and 7 AM. Our condolences to those working the night shift!
Tip 2: Stay Underground. Forking over $20 dollars per mile for a drive on a private underground highway really stings in this economy. But think about all the paychecks you’d miss if you become the victim of an alien abduction that might last weeks, or even months. From that perspective, paying a little extra to drive underground can wind up saving you big money!
Tip 3: Be Boring. Remember, the aliens are here to study us. Try to avoid activities that may stoke their curiosity about our civilization, like visiting libraries or museums, or attending large social or political gatherings. If you must go outside, avoid driving in brightly colored vehicles (especially red) and don’t wear flamboyant or provocative clothing.
Tip 4: Avoid Nasty Arguments Online. We know life can be frustrating, and it’s often tempting to take out those frustrations by expressing yourself on the internet. Just remember that the aliens can read everything you write. Don’t provoke their wrath by engaging with conspiracy theories about alien collusion with the government or corporations. It’s safest just to avoid talking about the aliens altogether. If you must do so, avoid politically charged terms, like “alien invasion”, in favor of more neutral terms like, “alien visitation.” Just because the aliens are ineffable, godlike beings doesn’t mean we can’t hurt their feelings!
Tip 5: Be Respectful. Despite the salacious stories going around, 90% of all alien encounters are non-lethal and 70% are non-violent. You’re far more likely to suffer death or serious injuries while attending a political protest than you are while getting abducted by aliens. Most people get hurt aboard flying saucers because they struggle or resist. So, if you find yourself in alien captivity, it doesn’t hurt to show some manners. Aliens prefer to be addressed with honorifics like “Sir”, “Ma’am,” or “Master.” Remember, the beings performing experiments on you are just researchers from a far-off world trying to do their job.
Tip 6: Be Positive. If these other tips fail, and you have an unpleasant experience aboard an alien vessel, don’t fall into despair. Staying upbeat will help you return to a normal life as smoothly as possible. Just because you got abducted by aliens doesn’t mean you can abandon your responsibilities. Think of your family members, co-workers, and bosses who all depend on your hard work!
Who cares if aliens cloned you to perform a gauntlet of lethal experiments, and you’re not sure whether the real you is the person they returned to earth or is lying among the hundreds of identical corpses left aboard their spaceship? And so what if they exposed you to some kind of mind ray that shattered your consciousness across spacetime and you experienced all of eternity from the big bang to the heat death of the universe in the course of a single nano-second? Everyone goes through hardships in life, and nobody likes a whiner.
There’s no point wallowing in misery, complaining about how your alien insurance provider denied your coverage or how your country failed to protect you. You can’t expect the government to shoot down every flying saucer in the sky. They’d need to raise taxes, and nobody wants that! Take this experience as an opportunity for self-reflection and think about how you might have prevented this from happening. A positive attitude will take you farther than blaming others or accusing them of profiting off your misery and fear.
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